Agendas: Everyone's got them

Just like opinions, everyone has agendas. In fact, I would argue that agendas are an extension of opinions. You form agendas from opinions, and goals from agendas. This thought process is heavily engrained into our survival and communal genome as a means to help ourselves and others we care about to be successful.

But, I would argue that where people clash is not in having opposing opinions, but rather having conflicting agendas. It is easy to see that an opinion is emotionally charged based on an individual's life experiences. However, because agendas are more goal oriented, the emotionally charged roots are often shrouded.

Vince Gowmon makes some awesome suggestions on how to temper placing agendas on others in his nicely written article, Hold the Agenda of Others:

"What I invite you to consider is that there are many circumstances where we can withhold our agenda for others just a little bit more. Perhaps you allow your staff to share more of their own ideas; in school, you allow your students to bring their agendas forth more; or at home, you allow your child greater room to take risks, get messy, make mistakes and learn through them."

In my experience, as a project manager, software developer & server admin, I deal with other people's agendas on a consistent basis. One of my best characteristics, in fact, is how I am uniquely able to dive into conflicting agendas and find a way to integrate them.

One of the most important parts of this process is to know when my own agendas are getting in the way. There are countless ways to accomplish a goal. In programming, there are even more. In fact, I value less how efficiently it is achieved, than how complete and respectful it is. Simple things like formatting and comments can go a long way to helping others to use your code, for instance. After all, when creating software, it's not about how you are using it, it is about how others will use it.

These golden rule professional skills are also very useful in personal relationships with family and friends. After I started writing about how my hubby and I were living out of a 1986 GMC Suburban, it became almost immediately apparent who did not have these skills.  One in particular, a ranking family member of mine, has, more than once, challenged my resolve.  This individual, while meaning well, has only served to expose how trying to impose your agendas on others simply doesn't work.

At first, I was told (notice how I said "told" here, not asked, not empathized, "told") that my problem was my husband.  That I needed to escape him.  As if he was some sort of abuser.  Needless to say, I was furious.  My husband and I are a team. We are best friends.  We cry and fight and love together.  To hear a family member say this to me was devastating.  After having several private chat conversations, upon request (because I am forgiving of other people'a agendas), the conversation seemed to always digress to the opinion that "everyone has to make their own mistakes".  And it happened again, just recently, being "told" that I "should" sell my "junker" truck and take a bus to Grand Island, NE to be with my husband.  Again, the conversation digressed to:

But, I'd like to think that my response will help to redirect this behavior.  To be completely honest, it is not important to me that my family has plenty of money, but won't help me buy wheels and gas for my truck.  It bothers me that a single person in my family is allowing her own agendas to prevent her from being supportive.  I wish that she could help, for her sake, not mine.